Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Fricking Abe with his Fricking bum knee and his damned surgeries.

That's right. Surgeries. Three of them. The last one was last Thursday. Because he's a hyper skidzoid maniac jumper dog. And no matter how many times you say "Abe, I know you just want to run around the yard and lick your big ugly wound and chew off the bandage and leap in the Suburban and stand with your front legs on the window -- making me very nervous that you are going to accidentally out the window, land on your head and be run over by one of the hundreds of Hummers in our neighborhood -- and then leap back out of it, launch yourself at Mojo and try unsuccessfully to wrestle him to the ground, and leap into the air and spin around when I pick up car keys, touch my purse, put on shoes, breathe too deeply so that I am fully and completely aware that yes, you do in fact want to go for a ride..."

He just doesn't understand. He pretty much understands "puppy treat", "hungry", "uh uh" (well, I am just delusional there. That's my version of the Dog Whisperer's "zzzzt" sound, and Abe reacts to it the way the Pope responds to Playboy -- not at all. I know I am going to hell. Thank you for your concern.) and "Abe".

So he doesn't understand why he is locked in the cage for hours on end, even though I am home. He doesn't understand why we are always holding on to the leash he is always wearing.

He really doesn't understand being walked in his own back yard. We have had Moj for two years and Abe for one, and they have NEVER pooped while we are walking them. NEVER. We walk Mojo a lot. And he has NEVER pooped on a walk. He hustles out to the backyard sometimes right after to poop, but not while on a walk. And I guess he taught it to Abe, because he does the same thing.

So it freaks the hell outta Abe when I am walking him around the backyard so he can poop. He finally did, today, Tuesday. His surgery was last Thursday. So that's a long time for a dog to not poop. Mostly when I am walking him around the backyard he just looks at me, all "WTF? I can poop for myself," and then makes a beeline for the back door, because I am weirding him out in the backyard.

On the other hand, Mojo has finally started to respond to the Valley Fever medications and has a very low titer. It dropped from 1 to 16 down to 1 to 4. Which is almost low enough to start reducing his medications. Woot!

But both dogs -- Abe because of his frickin' knee, and Moj because of his bum hip -- have to have glucosamine and chondrotin every single day of their lives. They will not be tricked. Wrap it in sausage, stuff it in cheese, cover it with peanut butter, roll it in braunsweiger, they will eat the food and spit out the pill. Every time. The only way I can get them to just eat the damn things is to pour bacon grease on them. Unfortunately bacon, though very very tasty, is very very bad for you, so we rarely have it.

I have become that which I mocked...the deluded sops who spend thousands of dollars on vet bills. The softhearted softheaded fools who keep dogs that require daily medicines. Even worse, I have spent a couple hundred dollars on vet bills for the guinea pigs. Good thing they are slavishly devoted to me, and not generally considered "meat".


  1. I feel your pain sister. I spent an obscene amount of money on the cat I don't really like today. Ok, I like him. But...oooohhh that was painful. And we still don't know what's wrong with him other than he appears to enjoy peeing everyone BUT his litter box. I'm never owning pets again. I love them, but it's such a hassle.

  2. Vet bills are just the worst. Really. The worst. Ugh. If only pets weren't so endearing (even while being completely nuts), but they are. Somehow all three of my cats have bad teeth and gums, as in $300+ cleaning, per year, per cat, in theory (in reality, it's less often than once a year...). People look at me like I'm kookier than I am, but their teeth really can get bad enough to impact diet and other health aspects... This whole thing is goofy.

  3. green lipped mussel extract is also great for dodgy doggy joints..

    How will the cold weather in Alaska affect them?

    oh and why can't you use a flash in the vatican???

    cheers kim..

  4. I gave our dog heart medication for the last six months of his life and then paid $500 overnight in the vets only to be told he would need to be put to sleep. I was a total shmuck but I loved him. Sounds like you are pretty far gone in the doggy loving stakes. Bless your cotton socks.

    Also: what's a Tootsie Roll?

  5. How does anyone in the whole world know that green lipped mussel extract is good for 'dodgy doggie joints'? And what the hell is a green lipped mussel? And your dogs are lucky that they have you. and you have them.

  6. Thanks, everyone...

    Glad to know I am in good company when it comes to spending obscene amounts on my animals.

    Oh, Tasina, it sucks that they can't figure out what's wrong with your cat...I may spend piles of money on the damn dogs, but at least I know they are treating the right things.

    Maggie, my ancient beagle-bassett hound was on his last legs, we thought. Then we had his teeth cleaned and they removed a couple infected teeth and he perked way up. And lived for another couple years.

    Kim -- we are worried about the cold in Alaska, since both dogs are very very likely to develop arthritis. And flash photography can damage art works and stuff, they say. None of the museums and castles and cathedrals in Europe all flash...there is also the idea that it is disruptive and disrespectful to those who are praying or having some sort of religious experience, as opposed to those of us wandering around marveling at the art.

    Tiff, it's so hard to make those decisions, because while logically you think "my family could use this money in much more logical ways", you can't not do stuff for the dog.

    And a tootsie roll is a chocolate-flavored chewy candy.

    Lou, I am with you. Who would look at a green-lipped mussel and think "let's make an extract!"

  7. Are you kidding me.... I have a cat with diabetes whom I have to do blood glucose tests on and give insulin to not to mention the special all raw species appropriate diet he and Buddy are now eating (they eat WAY better than I do). Not only that but there is a whole website (several actually) devoted specifically to those of us crazy cat ladies who give insulin and sub-Q fluids as needed and everything else we can and will do for our "just a cat" cats.

    I am right there with you in the things we do for our animals. Give the big lugs head scritches from me. Oh, and have you tried pill pockets? The person who invented them should get the Nobel Peace Prize 'cause I can actually pill my cats with them!

  8. Hey Donna...Abe is currently taking 7 pills a day, and Mojo has to take 10. Pill pockets are too expensive, at least the ones I see around here. Neither of the dogs much likes it, but I just force their mouths open and their heads back and drop the pills in the back of their throats. It mostly works.

    I think I will get the pill pockets, though, for when I go to Italy...My parents and younger kids are not as good at giving the dogs their pills...

  9. I can't pill Maxie without the pill pocket. If I try, I first have to chase him around the house and pull him from under the bed, hold him down, pry his mouth open, avoiding teeth and claws the whole time. Then, once I finally get the pill in his mouth I have to shoot water down his throat to make sure he swallows it and to avoid erosive esophagitis. Pill pockets are worth their weight in gold around my house!

  10. Yeah, Donna, I totally think they are. Abe just tries to clamp his mouth shut, and Mojo is resigned to having it done.


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