Why do they call them toasters?

All they really do is make your bread warm. or burn it to a crisp.

If that's what I wanted, I wouldn't own a toaster. I have armpits and a lighter. (Get it? Warm bread? Armpits? Burned toast? Lighter? It's not rocket science...)

I know, burnt toast is a very insignificant bit of nothing in the whole scheme of things...but I am tired of thinking of and worrying about and stressing about all the ways my life has been beyond horrible the last couple of months...(I wake up reluctantly every morning, wondering what fresh new torture and angst and inconvenience the universe has cooked up for me, and debating whether I could get away with not getting out of bed at all. Then I get out of bed and sooner or later I realize yup. Should have stayed in bed. Of course, the shit would hit the fan anyway, but at least I could be cozy when dealing with each new problem.)...

I really don't want to think about all that today, so instead I am going to rant about how I put bread in my toaster, and it pops out slightly warmer than when I put it in. So I push it back down in the toaster and it pops up hot, but still soft and bread-y instead of toast. So I push it down for a third time, and I check it check it check it POP! it's burned.

I know I know, there is a little dial designed to fool you into thinking you have some control over the level of burnedness. Ha. Even if it worked, my children insist on adjusting it seemingly at random. Because apparently they like warm bread. Maybe I could just get them to use their armpits instead of our toaster...